diff --git a/ruby/fucking_coffee.rb b/ruby/fucking_coffee.rb
new file mode 100755
index 00000000..69a85ab1
--- /dev/null
+++ b/ruby/fucking_coffee.rb
@@ -0,0 +1,20 @@
+#!/usr/bin/env ruby
+
+# Exit early if no sessions with my username are found
+exit unless `who -q`.include? ENV['USER']
+
+require 'net/telnet'
+
+coffee_machine_ip = '10.10.42.42'
+password = '1234'
+password_prompt = 'Password: '
+delay_before_brew = 17
+delay = 24
+
+sleep delay_before_brew
+con = Net::Telnet.new('Host' => coffee_machine_ip)
+con.cmd('String' => password, 'Match' => /#{password_prompt}/)
+con.cmd('sys brew')
+sleep delay
+con.cmd('sys pour')
+con.close
diff --git a/ruby/hangover.rb b/ruby/hangover.rb
new file mode 100755
index 00000000..8578aaf8
--- /dev/null
+++ b/ruby/hangover.rb
@@ -0,0 +1,34 @@
+#!/usr/bin/env ruby
+
+# Exit early if sessions with my username are found
+exit if `who -q`.include? ENV['USER']
+
+require 'dotenv'
+require 'twilio-ruby'
+
+Dotenv.load
+
+TWILIO_ACCOUNT_SID = ENV['TWILIO_ACCOUNT_SID']
+TWILIO_AUTH_TOKEN  = ENV['TWILIO_AUTH_TOKEN']
+
+@twilio = Twilio::REST::Client.new TWILIO_ACCOUNT_SID, TWILIO_AUTH_TOKEN
+
+# Phone numbers
+my_number      = '+xxx'
+number_of_boss = '+xxx'
+
+excuse = [
+  'Locked out',
+  'Pipes broke',
+  'Food poisoning',
+  'Not feeling well'
+].sample
+
+# Send a text message
+@twilio.messages.create(
+  from: my_number, to: number_of_boss,
+  body: "Gonna work from home. #{excuse}"
+)
+
+# Log this
+puts "Message sent at: #{Time.now} | Excuse: #{excuse}"
diff --git a/ruby/kumar_asshole.rb b/ruby/kumar_asshole.rb
new file mode 100755
index 00000000..0dc5cb7c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/ruby/kumar_asshole.rb
@@ -0,0 +1,39 @@
+#!/usr/bin/env ruby
+
+require 'dotenv'
+require 'gmail'
+
+Dotenv.load
+
+GMAIL_USERNAME = ENV['GMAIL_USERNAME']
+GMAIL_PASSWORD = ENV['GMAIL_PASSWORD']
+
+GMAIL = Gmail.connect(GMAIL_USERNAME, GMAIL_PASSWORD)
+KUMARS_EMAIL = 'kumar.a@example.com'
+
+DB_NAME_REGEX  = /\S+_staging/
+KEYWORDS_REGEX = /sorry|help|wrong/i
+
+def create_reply(subject)
+  GMAIL.compose do
+    to KUMARS_EMAIL
+    subject "RE: #{subject}"
+    body "No problem. I've fixed it. \n\n Please be careful next time."
+  end
+end
+
+GMAIL.inbox.find(:unread, from: KUMARS_EMAIL).each do |email|
+  if email.body.raw_source[KEYWORDS_REGEX] && (db_name = email.body.raw_source[DB_NAME_REGEX])
+    backup_file = "/home/backups/databases/#{db_name}-" + (Date.today - 1).strftime('%Y%m%d') + '.gz'
+    abort 'ERROR: Backup file not found' unless File.exist?(backup_file)
+
+    # Restore DB
+    `gunzip -c #{backup_file} | psql #{db_name}`
+
+    # Mark as read, add label and reply
+    email.read!
+    email.label('Database fixes')
+    reply = create_reply(email.subject)
+    GMAIL.deliver(reply)
+  end
+end
diff --git a/ruby/smack_my_bitch_up.rb b/ruby/smack_my_bitch_up.rb
new file mode 100755
index 00000000..b81a3349
--- /dev/null
+++ b/ruby/smack_my_bitch_up.rb
@@ -0,0 +1,32 @@
+#!/usr/bin/env ruby
+
+# Exit early if no sessions with my username are found
+exit unless `who -q`.include? ENV['USER']
+
+require 'dotenv'
+require 'twilio-ruby'
+
+Dotenv.load
+
+TWILIO_ACCOUNT_SID = ENV['TWILIO_ACCOUNT_SID']
+TWILIO_AUTH_TOKEN  = ENV['TWILIO_AUTH_TOKEN']
+
+@twilio = Twilio::REST::Client.new TWILIO_ACCOUNT_SID, TWILIO_AUTH_TOKEN
+
+# Phone numbers
+my_number  = '+xxx'
+her_number = '+xxx'
+
+reason = [
+  'Working hard',
+  'Gotta ship this feature',
+  'Someone fucked the system again'
+].sample
+
+# Send a text message
+@twilio.messages.create(
+  from: my_number, to: her_number, body: "Late at work. #{reason}"
+)
+
+# Log this
+puts "Message sent at: #{Time.now} | Reason: #{reason}"